Good Enough

Something no one ever really talks about that occurs during the so-called ‘healing journey’ is the intense self-criticism that arises from a setback.

It seems to come from nowhere: one minute you’re making progress and you’re embracing the self-love and the next you can feel the tears pressing down on your throat again. The familiar prickle of quickened breath. The tension stricken across your face. You turn inward, you check in with your body. And you’re just so fucking tired. Although you have felt these things so many times before, they horrify you more this time. I thought I was getting better, you lament.

After you’ve left the bad relationship, after you’ve spent hundreds on therapy, after you’ve started to make better choices and reap the rewards… You’re still hanging on to the handle of the oven door on a Tuesday night, sobbing because you just can’t fucking do it anymore.

In your logical brain, you know this is normal. Everyone gets overwhelmed sometimes. But a much louder (and more psychotic) part of your brain is waving this around in the air as evidence. We’re still broken, we failed, we still can’t fucking cope, it jeers, dancing around in circles, vindicated at last.

I’ve said fuck a lot of times already. Bear with me. Of course, as an English teacher I have an extensive vocabulary, but sometimes only fuck will suffice.

This morning I have rationalised; our brains love to revert to the toxic thought patterns that they’ve always relied upon. I’m not good enough is my brain’s default. I’ve told myself throughout my life that the reason people cross my boundaries (and worse) is because I am not worth respect. This started when I was very little. I felt a strange, delicious sense of relief as I realised I wasn’t coping and I hated myself for it, because getting better is hard. What feels beautifully, deliciously easy is giving in. Confirming what you’ve always known to be true.

That’s no use to anyone, though. It’s not even remotely true, either. When I look properly at the things that made me reach that point last night, I see that much of it is out of my control. I work hard, I care about people, I will always help people if I can. I don’t deserve most of the bad things that have happened to me. Karma is not as clear cut as that, anyway. And some people are just pricks.

I’m not sure what the point of this post is. I think it’s just to reiterate to myself that I’m not a failure and I can cope. I got upset one time. That’s valid.

Recognising your own dangerous thought patterns and trying to rewrite them is a big step. I’m much further along in my healing process that I give myself credit for, because now I can see that my worthiness is not tied to single events or actions. But, I deserve to respect myself and advocate for myself in the same way that I would for someone I love. That’s true self-love. If Chlo or Meg or Britt felt this way, I would (literally) fight for them, so why won’t I do that for myself? If they told me they felt really down, I would believe them and validate them. So why do I gaslight myself in to thinking what I feel isn’t that bad? Why do I let myself suffer for so long? Hum.

Love always,

Char