Confessions in the Black

 Over the years, you confessed
You said: "How do I know other people are real?
Some people aren't real. You might not be real.
I think I'm destined for more than you
because I'm more aware than you"

Even as I write, I'm desperate to find the words
Lest you misunderstand and go for my throat
Even though you aren't here, your ghost
Paces every room in this house
and every recess of my mind

(And it pisses me off to admit it, too
because I know it'll make you happy
that you fucked me up this badly
and that healing isn't easy)

"You don't know me, you only know what I have shown you"
- a sloppy confession, and
"All of the things we have in common were my things," and
"You're not having a panic attack, you're manipulating me"
I only knew the mask, you say, but God knows I've seen
the darkness underneath it one too many times

And I'm the one who likes liqueur coffee after dinner
and my steak rare and Greece and cats and red wine
Who are you?
What a relief it is to find that the you I loved so much
Was actually me

I was panicking so hard, by the way, still am at times
I thought I was a good liar but nobody lies like you
The things you thought I didn't know
Please understand, it's because I didn't want to

Such was your chokehold, you confessed so much
naming the demons that sit on your soul
but you named them after me

All this time, you said I never listened,
but what you were shouting and screaming  
was never meant to make sense
For hours and hours you told me I never listened
as you baited me to my death
but part of me was never yours
and so I didn't quite die
which made you want to kill me even more

That part of me finally died with grandad
and you cried with me, so very hard
that the reaper's fingers traced circles on my spine
as he whispered,
"He's copying you"

Then, one day, in another realm, I heard
my haunted shriek as you said his name in vain
Lurching towards you, a broken woman, just how you liked me
and the grin that cut the sneer on your lips
as your pupils swallowed amber
drowning it in black