‘Isolation’ just doesn’t have a very nice inflection. Contexts
we’ve heard it in before:
- the room you’re put in in school when you’re really naughty
- the room they put prisoners in in jail when they’ve been smearing shit on the walls
We ‘isolate’ problems, like a dog that’s bitten a kid, and
now, a lung-eating virus that’s terrifying people the world over. I get it, but
I can’t help looking at the connotations of the word ‘isolation’ and wondering
what the fuck I’ve done to deserve this.
Spending my days running from one place to the next, late
as you like (sorry Megs, Liv, grandad, Dan, work… and everyone else I’ve ever
met) stops me from thinking so much. When left alone in silence, I begin to reflect
on how pointless it all is. How crap I am. I cry more. I stop eating because I
stop feeling hungry.
I’m well aware that I’m damaged (undoubtedly you are too in
some way!). Still, I am NOT enjoying the wake-up call. My relationship with my family
is, ehem, rocky at the best of times; we’re finding it difficult to be around one
another 24/7, which is, in some ways, to be expected. It’s hard for us to understand
what each other is going through because we deal with stress very differently.
I’m not enjoying working from home, but I’m glad I’m able
to. I know some people are suffering much more, work-wise. My lovely Cellar is
shut, and it’s been the bleakest week without the girls, Dee and Andy and our
other wonderful regulars. I think when Boris said businesses had to close and I
realised what that meant for the Cellar is when I first felt like our world was
falling apart.
Then, I had to decide what to do about grandad. He is doing
so well for 90, and can manage simple meals, basic cleaning and personal care
just fine… But he doesn’t know how to arrange his medication in to his pill
docket (he sometimes forgets to take it at all), he can’t keep the house hygienic
on his own, he hurts himself maybe once a month and has had multiple infected
wounds over the past year, he can’t prepare fresh meals… These are vital things
that me and mum manage without thinking from one day to the next.
There’s also his mental health. He’s confused and deeply
upset by what’s happening. He’s cried a lot over the past few weeks, at stupid
things (he cried his eyes out at the end of The Greatest Showman the other day –
unsure why). I think if he had no human contact at all for 12 weeks, he would
lose his basic sense of what the hell was going on.
We’ve decided I’ll continue to go every day and look after
the things I mentioned above, but keep 2m away from him, clean anything I
touch, not eat or drink at the house and not stay longer than an hour. Bearing
in mind the wider family relationships in the Hills clan are very tense, it
caused me a LOT of heartache trying to open the dialogue and come to a
resolution that was best for grandad. He’s trying to understand. He reaches out
to touch me about 100x a day but I’ll keep at it to keep him safe.
In January, I joined the gym. I went 6 days a week for ten
weeks and I’d also started doing yoga classes on Sundays and Mondays. I found so
much joy in the time I spent working on my physical self, clearing my mind of
anxiety and listening to shit music in my headphones like I used to before I
could drive. It’s gutting that I can’t do that at the moment, but I try to do a
bit of yoga or running every day. I don’t feel very motivated, but I’m trying
to just force myself. It’s hard because there isn’t much floor space at mum’s so
I have to do it outside if I have any hope of spreading my 5’8 self into a warrior
1.
I think what’s making me feel so down-and-out is not
knowing how long I’ll have to do it for. I’m sure you all share this worry. A
week or two I could make the best of, but 3 months seems insurmountable. I'm sure the amazing individuals working in the NHS and social care feel this weight on their shoulders a million times heavier than the rest of us, and my endless thanks goes out to them during this time.
Which brings me on to my final point. Don’t judge those who’ve
turned to social media to feel a sense of contact with others. Don’t judge
girls who want to do their make up to sit at home and do nothing. Just shut the
fuck up and mind your own business. We’re all dealing with it differently, and
some of us have never felt more alone in our lives.
